Coffee with a side of a conversation about dying, please. Cake and a “Before I Die” list with a little compassion added, and hold the judgment and preaching. That’s what is on the menu at the Death Café, a place to talk about death.
St. Joseph’s Death Café was founded last spring by Megan Mooney, a 2010 social work graduate. About 20-25 people of all ages and backgrounds, some from as far away as a two-hour drive, gather each month for the event at the Café Pony Espresso downtown, and newcomers are always welcome.
“The purpose of Death Café is to open the conversation about death and reduce the taboo that surrounds it,” Mooney said. “There’s a dialogue that goes on (at Death Café) that is very cathartic.”
Death Café provides a safe, nonjudgmental environment where participants talk openly about dying, their fears and hopes, and what they want to accomplish before they die.
“Death Cafe is not a setting for bereavement support or grief counseling. It doesn’t work for people who, for whatever reason, aren’t able to discuss death comfortably and openly,” she said.
The meetings last about two hours, and Mooney always starts them off with an icebreaker question: “What is the first word that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘death?’” She then breaks the attendees into small groups and tells them that they can talk about whatever it is that brought them there that night or anything that deals with death. She provides them with a list of conversation starters in case they get stuck or aren’t sure what to talk about.
At one meeting, she set up a Before I Die wall, and each person was invited to write on it.
Mooney’s Death Café is part of an international movement, founded by John Underwood in the United Kingdom and based on the work of Bernad Crettaz. When Mooney was interested in starting a local Café, she contacted Lizzy Miles, the first person to offer a Death Café in the United States. Mooney’s St. Joseph Café is the first one in the Midwest, but there are groups in about 45-50 cities in the United States. She follows the tenets of the international Death Café movement: The purpose is to increase awareness of death while helping people make the most of their finite life; the Café should be free from ideology, safe and nurturing, respectful of all, and confidential.
The recent deaths of her aunt and uncle provided the impetus for Mooney to start a Death Café. “My family was let down by the health care system. I had to fight really, really hard for my uncle and family, and it was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life,” Mooney said. “If more people are educated about end-of-life decisions, it will help caregivers a lot.”
Mooney, a native of St. Joseph, earned her Master of Social Work from the University of Missouri-Columbia. She is currently working for the University of Missouri, conducting end-of-life research as part of a four-year National Institutes of Health grant.
She works in collaboration with a local hospice, talking to family members who are caring for those with a terminal illness. The purpose of the study is to investigate ways to improve hospice care by including patients and caregivers in the hospice interdisciplinary team meeting.
Mooney said a Grief and Loss class at Missouri Western “ignited a passion” within her. “Then I knew I wanted to be a social worker, obtain my master’s and work in the area of grief and loss.”
For more information about Death Cafés, check out deathcafe.com, search for “Death Café St. Joe” on Facebook, or email deathcafestjoe@gmail.com.